The best news I have ever received in my entire life.

After having an amniocentesis done, I was told it would take 10-14 days to get the results back. A week after having it done, I received a phone call saying ''Hey, we need baby daddy to come in and give us his blood (again) because Willow's blood has to be compared to it in order to know whether or not she has Cystic Fibrosis.'' And all I could think was ''Why couldn't you have told me this a week ago!?'' So poor Ethan had to go give blood yet again and we had to wait even longer. Okay, not much longer...but when you're waiting for news like that, every day that passes with no news feels like a year. I would work myself into a crying frenzy thinking about how I would feel upon receiving the news if it were bad news...but I didn't even truly think about how I would feel receiving the news if it were good...and it was.

It was Friday. January 23rd at 12:30pm. Ethan had a three day weekend that started on that day so he was home with me watching the Tudors when my phone rang. I jumped up to get it any my heart started to pound when I saw the number that was calling was the number to my geneticist. 

I answered. She said ''Heather! Guess what!? Baby DOES NOT have Cystic Fibrosis!'' and she started to ramble on about other things but I couldn't hear anything after that. My heart was singing too loudly. The phone call lasted only a few seconds and I just burst into tears and laughter at the same time and Ethan just knew. He scooped me up in his arms and I was laughing hysterically. And WAILING. I think I may have been in shock and he was just laughing with me. It wasn't the most glamorous moment, especially when you consider that Ethan went to give me a little kiss on the lips and shouted ''EW! THERE'S SNOT IN MY MOUTH.'' as he jumped up and ran to the bathroom. I'll never forget how it felt to receive the best news I have ever received in my entire life. All I could think was ''You better get used to snotty kisses.'' 

Growing up with Cystic Fibrosis for me wasn't easy. I had a feeding tube placed in my stomach when I was two because I only weighed 14 pounds. I was going through something called failure to thrive and if they didn't do something to put some weight on my bones pronto tonto, I wasn't going to have a very long life. Aside from being pancreatic insufficient, my lungs weren't the best. I had two sisters and a brother and if I said I was able to keep up with them and do everything they did growing up, I'd be lying. 

I've always been the girl with Cystic Fibrosis and I didn't want that for Willow. I didn't want someone to not chase her in a game of tag because of her ''disadvantage''. I didn't want her teachers to have to stop in the middle of a lesson to check on her because she is having a coughing fit that's so harsh she can't even catch her breath. I didn't want her to change her clothes in gym class only to be stared at by a child who has never seen a feeding tube before or even worse, picked on for it. For being sick. For something she couldn't control. I didn't want her to have the childhood that I had because of this disease. I wanted her to have a normal life. Realizing that she was going to be healthy hit me harder than the possibility that she wasn't. I had been hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. I had already told myself in my head that she was going to have CF, just incase she did. Finding out that she was CF free is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Finding out that despite everything I have been through with this disease, I can still give life to someone who it will never physically touch...is amazing.

Even if Willow had Cystic Fibrosis...if she were anything like me, she would be absolutely fine because Willows bend but they don't break.

I can't believe how lucky we are...that I will have a mini me visiting me in the hospital and making art work for me to hang on the walls there to give the place some color. I can't believe that Ethan and I created this perfect little human, and I can't believe how in love with her we are already. CF or no CF, she's the best news I have ever received in my entire life.

I'm going to a CF center for the first time in over a year!

I had been so distracted lately by this pregnancy that I forgot about the fact that I still have a life threatening disease. I didn't start feeling real worry until I found myself getting out of breath doing simple tasks like picking things up off the floor or walking to other rooms in our apartment. My body isn't just my body right now, I'm sharing it with Willow. I expressed my concern to other CF moms and learned that I may have to be on oxygen during the pregnancy but I'm hoping that isn't the case.

I lost my health insurance a little over a year ago and just got it back because I am pregnant. I applied for it twice over the year and a half that I went without it and got declined twice for reasons that weren't made clear. I wouldn't have lost it in the first place, but my mother was angry with me so when something from my health insurance came in the mail that simply needed to be signed and sent off, she led me to believe that she would sign it but failed to do so. I now have health insurance and can see all kiiiiiinds of doctors if I'd like. My medicaid chose one for me by location closest to where I live so the other day, I went. I was shocked to find out that he had absolutely no idea what Cystic Fibrosis even is. CF is the most common genetic disease in Caucasians and he had no idea what it is. Several times during my appointment with him he made it a point to let me know that I ''look'' fine. Thanks, Doc. Great thing to tell someone who is fighting an invisible disease. I left his office frustrated that I had just wasted an hour for him to basically tell me he doesn't know what to tell me because he is not a pulmonary doctor. I understand that his job is to treat things as simple as the common cold, but I at least expected for him to be able to refer me to an adult Cystic Fibrosis center. I was just shocked. He said ''See you next time'' as I was walking out and I turned to my sister when we got outside and said ''Uh, there won't be a next time.'' This is my health we are talking about. I don't have time to be seen by a doctor who got all of his CF facts off of Google.

Because I did not have health insurance for over a year, that means that I have not been seen by any type of doctor. (Minus two trips I had to take to the E.R for coughing up blood) Cystic Fibrosis doctors, included. Which is very, very bad. There could be all kinds of things growing inside of my lungs that I don't even know about, but that's all about to change!

Today I called my old Cystic Fibrosis clinic and they were very pleased to hear from me. I explained my situation and they expressed deep concern and in a matter of just ten minutes, I had an appointment set up at my local adult CF center.

I'm a little sad that I will be attending a new clinic for adults as opposed to being treated at the children's clinic I was treated at ever since I was diagnosed at age 2, but being treated at a new clinic is way better than not being treated at one at all. I can't express the relief and excitement I feel that I will have a team of doctors by my side again making sure that every step is taken to ensure that I am healthy. I should have never lost that. But what is important is that I got it back. February 3rd is my first appointment and I am seriously counting down the days! The best part is that my same CF doctor will also be my primary care doctor so I won't have to worry about explaining my disease to multiple people and then hoping that the correct measures are taken, I will be in the best of hands.

I am so appreciative of my doctors at my old clinic who helped me so quickly and I'm looking forward to meeting my new ones and growing a relationship with each of them!

Taking the test: An entirely different test.

A few weeks ago my doctor offered to set Ethan up to get genetic testing done to see if he was a carrier of Cystic Fibrosis. Because I have CF, she will automatically be carrier. I knew that. But it all depended on Ethan. I wouldn't have been so worried about Ethan being a carrier, but there was the fact that his sister (who is also pregnant right now) was a carrier. I got to thinking and I began to worry that Ethan could be a carrier too so I thought hey, there's nothing wrong with knowing. So he did the genetic testing and then we played the waiting game for about a week and a half.

I was on the phone with my sister when Dr. Brody called. I didn't think anything of him calling because I have an appointment coming up and thought his office was just calling to confirm it. He let me know that Ethan's test came back positive and that he is a carrier. I think I may have went into shock.

Our little baby girl will either have CF.........or she won't.
Those are the only two ways to slice it, now. 50/50.

They explained that I need to make an appointment with a geneticist as soon as I can so we have a consult on January 6th where they will talk to us about everything and all of our options will be discussed. One of those options will most likely be amniocentesis. I told myself from the beginning that the only way I would get an amnio is if Ethan turned out to be a carrier.

Amniocentesis is a prenatal test that allows your doctor to gather information about your baby's health from a sample of your amniotic fluid. This is the fluid that surrounds your baby in the uterus. They take a sample of the amniotic fluid by inserting a needle into your stomach. This raises a few eyebrows because it is so invasive and creates a chance of there being a miscarriage.

Baby Center said this: The risk of miscarriage due to amniocentesis is low. Because a certain percentage of women will end up miscarrying in the second trimester anyway, there's no way of knowing for sure whether a miscarriage following an amnio was actually caused by the procedure.

Estimates vary, but according to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG), the loss rate from the procedure is as low as 1 in 300 to 500 — and perhaps even lower if the doctor or center has a lot of experience performing amnios.

I realize a risk is a risk regardless of how big or how small it is. With that being said, I can't sit here and stress for the rest of this pregnancy about whether or not she is going to have CF. I want to enjoy being pregnant. Especially since we know now that there is a 50% chance every time and that's too much of a gamble. This may be my only pregnancy and I want to enjoy it and remember it as an amazing part of my life. It won't change a single thing if it turns out that she does have CF, but at least if I know before she is born then I will have a few weeks to find her a good CF specialist and a set of doctors that I know she'll be in good hands with. And if she doesn't have CF, I will be able to rest easy and fully enjoy those first newborn weeks with her as opposed to stressing after she's born about test results. 

She is ours no matter what and she will be perfect regardless. I just want to know before she is born so that Ethan and I have time to prepare ourselves mentally because I know from experience that if she has Cystic Fibrosis, she will have such a long road ahead of her. I feel happy knowing she already has so many people that love her and would do anything for her. Even in these hard times, we truly are blessed.

A special thank you to my family and Ethan's family. They have both been so encouraging when we need it the absolute most. We love you guys and without you, we would be completely lost. 

Taking the test.

Honestly, there was nothing glamorous about how I found out I was going to be a mother. I didn't rush to the nearest store after missing my period and buy 10 pregnancy tests in hopes to see plus signs on all of them. Actually, I had been so busy that I didn't even realize I hadn't gotten my period for 7 weeks. Ethan didn't get some well thought out ''I'm pregnant!'' announcement. I remember waking up from a night of drinking wine on the beach and thinking ''WHY do I feel like Hell? I didn't even drink that much.'' and when my ''hangover'' went well into the next day, I knew. I kept thinking ''There's no way. I have Cystic Fibrosis.'' My doctors told me if I ever wanted to have children, I would have to see a fertility specialist. I can't be a mom right now. Well apparently Ethan has monster sperm that just break through uterine mucous because sure enough, the test I took at 11pm in the bathroom of Walmart (embarrassing) was positive.

My best friend Kat was visiting from Germany and since I was trying to show her a good ole' American time, there were copious amounts of alcohol and late nights with wonderful friends. I couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that I was actually pregnant. I thought my body was just stressed out because of the lack of rest and because I had been getting rowdy like a college student.

I confided in her first and foremost about the possibility of being pregnant and she didn't think it was possible, either. However, she was incredibly supportive that I wanted to take the test anyways. As was my big sister, who actually put away the glass of wine she had just poured and went with me to buy it and pretty much told me I was pregnant because I was reading the test all wonky. She has two children so she knows a thing or two about reading pregnancy test results. I also couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that she was excited. ''Don't you understand the possibilities and risks?'' She didn't care. There's this thing that happens when you become a mother and new life becomes a beautiful thing that is not to be feared.

I kept it together until we got to the car and my sister said ''Are you okay?'' I broke down. No I wasn't okay! All I could think was ''What if it has Cystic Fibrosis? What if my body isn't strong enough to have it? What if Ethan leaves me? Now when I think back to that last question I can't help but to feel a little guilty for not putting more faith into him. I texted him and made him aware of what was going on and told him I needed to see him and talk to him. When he showed up at my house and I got into his car, we didn't do a lot of talking. I didn't know what to say. I just knew that his arms felt safe and I wanted to be in them for a very, very long time. 

A few days later I went to a women's health clinic that just so happened to be against abortion. I thought I was going somewhere where I could take a test, vent a little, and then have all of my options told to me. Instead, I did all of that and got to see a sonogram of a 7 week blueberry sized thing inside of me. I got to hear it's little heartbeat that sounded like a train. I don't understand how people go through with abortions after seeing and hearing something like that. I can't say seeing it made me feel any less uneasy. I was still very afraid of everything that was happening and all of the changes I knew I would have to accept.

I have to be honest...abortion has always been something I have been against. Growing up, my biggest fear was finding out I couldn't have children someday. I was afraid I would fall in love with a wonderful person and want to create life with them, only to let them down upon the realization that I couldn't. But when I found out that I was pregnant, me, myself, all of the judgement I had ever passed down on someone who had an abortion became nonexistent. If it weren't for my sister, I probably would have opted for one. In the beginning, something I didn't want was growing inside of me and I wanted it gone. I'm so very glad that I kept it, because now I am at 19 weeks and on April 21st I will give birth to a beautiful baby girl and I will call her Willow Rose. In just a short amount of time, we have grown to love the little person that is growing inside of me. I've always been a maternal person, but I never realized the extent of it until I made being a mother my only option. I find myself singing to my tummy in the shower and I can't sing. I find myself staring at pie in the bakery of Publix, rubbing my hardly-pregnant-looking stomach and saying ''Apple or Pumpkin?'' and sometimes I tell her good morning and talk to her about all of the strange dreams she's making me have...and she isn't even here yet. I love someone SO MUCH who isn't even here.

I could never have an abortion.

I don't know what is going to happen, I don't know how healthy she is going to be or how healthy I am going to be, but we are hoping for the absolute best and oddly optimistic. Ethan is exuberant about being a parent. He rubs my stomach and says how excited he is and I know he's not just saying it. He takes amazing care of me and goes a distance that I know no one else would go just to make me happy. He's going to be an amazing father. That speaks volumes to me.

We're excited for this journey and prepared for anything that the universe throws at us.