Sunday, November 23, 2014

Taking the test.

Honestly, there was nothing glamorous about how I found out I was going to be a mother. I didn't rush to the nearest store after missing my period and buy 10 pregnancy tests in hopes to see plus signs on all of them. Actually, I had been so busy that I didn't even realize I hadn't gotten my period for 7 weeks. Ethan didn't get some well thought out ''I'm pregnant!'' announcement. I remember waking up from a night of drinking wine on the beach and thinking ''WHY do I feel like Hell? I didn't even drink that much.'' and when my ''hangover'' went well into the next day, I knew. I kept thinking ''There's no way. I have Cystic Fibrosis.'' My doctors told me if I ever wanted to have children, I would have to see a fertility specialist. I can't be a mom right now. Well apparently Ethan has monster sperm that just break through uterine mucous because sure enough, the test I took at 11pm in the bathroom of Walmart (embarrassing) was positive.

My best friend Kat was visiting from Germany and since I was trying to show her a good ole' American time, there were copious amounts of alcohol and late nights with wonderful friends. I couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that I was actually pregnant. I thought my body was just stressed out because of the lack of rest and because I had been getting rowdy like a college student.

I confided in her first and foremost about the possibility of being pregnant and she didn't think it was possible, either. However, she was incredibly supportive that I wanted to take the test anyways. As was my big sister, who actually put away the glass of wine she had just poured and went with me to buy it and pretty much told me I was pregnant because I was reading the test all wonky. She has two children so she knows a thing or two about reading pregnancy test results. I also couldn't wrap my mind around the fact that she was excited. ''Don't you understand the possibilities and risks?'' She didn't care. There's this thing that happens when you become a mother and new life becomes a beautiful thing that is not to be feared.

I kept it together until we got to the car and my sister said ''Are you okay?'' I broke down. No I wasn't okay! All I could think was ''What if it has Cystic Fibrosis? What if my body isn't strong enough to have it? What if Ethan leaves me? Now when I think back to that last question I can't help but to feel a little guilty for not putting more faith into him. I texted him and made him aware of what was going on and told him I needed to see him and talk to him. When he showed up at my house and I got into his car, we didn't do a lot of talking. I didn't know what to say. I just knew that his arms felt safe and I wanted to be in them for a very, very long time. 

A few days later I went to a women's health clinic that just so happened to be against abortion. I thought I was going somewhere where I could take a test, vent a little, and then have all of my options told to me. Instead, I did all of that and got to see a sonogram of a 7 week blueberry sized thing inside of me. I got to hear it's little heartbeat that sounded like a train. I don't understand how people go through with abortions after seeing and hearing something like that. I can't say seeing it made me feel any less uneasy. I was still very afraid of everything that was happening and all of the changes I knew I would have to accept.

I have to be honest...abortion has always been something I have been against. Growing up, my biggest fear was finding out I couldn't have children someday. I was afraid I would fall in love with a wonderful person and want to create life with them, only to let them down upon the realization that I couldn't. But when I found out that I was pregnant, me, myself, all of the judgement I had ever passed down on someone who had an abortion became nonexistent. If it weren't for my sister, I probably would have opted for one. In the beginning, something I didn't want was growing inside of me and I wanted it gone. I'm so very glad that I kept it, because now I am at 19 weeks and on April 21st I will give birth to a beautiful baby girl and I will call her Willow Rose. In just a short amount of time, we have grown to love the little person that is growing inside of me. I've always been a maternal person, but I never realized the extent of it until I made being a mother my only option. I find myself singing to my tummy in the shower and I can't sing. I find myself staring at pie in the bakery of Publix, rubbing my hardly-pregnant-looking stomach and saying ''Apple or Pumpkin?'' and sometimes I tell her good morning and talk to her about all of the strange dreams she's making me have...and she isn't even here yet. I love someone SO MUCH who isn't even here.

I could never have an abortion.

I don't know what is going to happen, I don't know how healthy she is going to be or how healthy I am going to be, but we are hoping for the absolute best and oddly optimistic. Ethan is exuberant about being a parent. He rubs my stomach and says how excited he is and I know he's not just saying it. He takes amazing care of me and goes a distance that I know no one else would go just to make me happy. He's going to be an amazing father. That speaks volumes to me.

We're excited for this journey and prepared for anything that the universe throws at us.

1 comment:

  1. I'm really happy you decided to keep the baby :) I enjoy hearing about CFers having kids because I want to eventually have one myself. Please keep everyone updated!